bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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