Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
