Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
