I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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