we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
