she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
