oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
