I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
