last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
