I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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