My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
