dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
