On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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