I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
