the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
