If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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