the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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