went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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