dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
