sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
