her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
