i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
