The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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