Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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