What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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