i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
