ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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