I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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