You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
