whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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