Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
