Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
