I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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