My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
