Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
