it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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