Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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