I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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