Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
