the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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