Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
