He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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