drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
