I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
