Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Randomize
