The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
