I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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