I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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