so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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