OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
