Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
