Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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