you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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